Thursday, August 21, 2008

Day by Day

Each morning I say today is the day I will post on Burnt Chocolate for all the good people who have asked about how I am feeling, how our family is managing but the days and weeks passed in silence. Until now. What I want to say is that we are all doing well, returning to some semblance of normalcy. That's what I wish was true. And in some ways, it is true. We've gone to a movie, eaten a few meals out, spent some time with friends. We had a restful week in Connecticut with our son Matthew and his family. We spent a day in Chicago with Josh and his daughters. Zoe makes us laugh with her antics.

But the deeper truth is that there's a huge space in my heart that will never be filled. I know that's true. At first I thought it was possible to find another piece of work or love to fill the hole, that eventually, it would somehow close up or shrink. But I've come to realize that learning to live with the emptiness is the task at hand.

When a friend suggested I write about the grief to help me work through the agony, I laughed. Is there anything else for me to write about now, any stories to tell that don't end up belonging in some way to Ben? It's hard to get through the day without feeling bombarded by unfulfilled wishes or how much Ben would have enjoyed the concert last evening on the square or how we would have picked apart the new Woody film. Take each day and do the best you can. And so it goes.