Here I Am

-
Picking up Burnt Chocolate after a silent decade is challenging.  The post I added last August hardly counts since I didn't let anyone know I published it.  In some ways, writing you, my readers from long ago, feels like contacting a long lost boyfriend to see if he still remembers me.  Part of me feels guilty and another part feels anxious.  What if no one remembers me?  What if I’ve lost my mojo?  My memory is definitely not what it was.  Maybe it wasn’t that good in the first place.  Nevertheless, here I am. 

We’re living in Milwaukee now, having moved here from Madison two years ago.  St. John’s on the Lake is a great place for retired folk.  Steve and I fall somewhere near the younger end although there are neighbors here in their 90’s that are anything but doddering.  My first friend here walks five miles a day and is about to celebrate her 86th birthday. Another friend swims 20 lengths in the pool on a daily basis. If I look to my left, there’s a concert pianist and on my right is a renowned history professor.  Dinner plans, concerts, plays, lectures – if I want to be busy every day, all day, there’s always something happening. I’ve taken up mahjong and taken back bridge and become active in the Resident Council governing group.  Great restaurants, new friends, lake views, beautiful decor. But still. . .

I’ve missed writing stories about our family.  Steve and I are in our late 70’s.  Just writing that number scares me a little. The last chapter, the neglected passage, the ‘is this all there is’ moments in life.  Time, on the one hand, seems to be flying by at 1000 miles a minute.  On the other hand, there’s more time than I’ve ever had in my life to be reflective. 

When the children were still at home, before their lives blossomed, I would remind myself to pay attention because in ten years they’d be gone.  Our baby will be 46 years old this August.  Does the longing for those lost days linger forever?  I’m afraid so. Remembering stories from the past brings those days back to life.  Writing about our current life opens doors I didn't know had closed.

So that’s my plan.  To be reflective. To open up conversations between us about anything on our minds or in our worlds.  To share ideas and uncover long lost thoughts. To look for greater understanding of how each of us lives our lives. 

 

Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 26, 2020 at 7:19:00 AM CDT

    Welcome back!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJuly 1, 2020 at 12:31:00 PM CDT

    Why "Burnt Chocolate?" The lava cake looks scrumptious! Looking forward to reading more.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thank you for leaving a comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shatterproof: A Mother's Memoir of Love and Loss

-
Image
At long last, I have completed my memoir about our son Benjamin's ALS diagnosis and the eight years that followed until his death in 2008.  I promised myself that I would complete this memoir by my 80th birthday. I am pleased to report that I was able to fulfill that promise as my 80th birthday was July 16, 2023. Mine is a bittersweet memoir, filled with humor as well as grief. This is my truth. My hope is that you will read my story and gain strength for the challenges in your own life, whatever they may be.  Here are some of the comments I've received from those who have read Shatterproof.   Shatterproof is a beautiful and stunning tribute to and testimony of a mother's love as she supports, advocates and wrestles with her son's ALS diagnosis.  Ellen Blum Barish, essayist and memoirist This book will deeply touch all who read it and help many people who have suffered the loss of a child. Eve Lipchik, MSW, Co-Founder ICF Consultants Barbara captured my imagination. Kin
Read more

Scars

-
Image
It’s 7:00 in the morning on a warm July day in 2008. I’m nervous and excited about the prospect of Ben being able to live longer and feel stronger. A new invention, surgically implanted, is supposed to keep his diaphragm moving his lungs so he can breathe. His friend, and film collaborator, is with him in the next room, helping him bathe and dress. Ben is excited, having waited nearly one year for FDA approval. Steve has already gone downstairs to have a quiet breakfast.   My heart races so fast, I think I might be having a heart attack. I take some deep breaths and imagine Ben a few days from now taking steady breaths. I step carefully into the bathtub and turn on the shower, wash my hair and let the hot water massage my back but the tightness in my throat remains.  As I step out of the shower, I slip on the floor and collide with the edge of the toilet seat. In seconds, blood covers the toilet, the floor, my face. The gash is directly above my left eyebrow and may need a stitch
Read more

In Search of a Peaceful Transition

-
Image
  The service for Ruth Bader Ginsburg left me in tears. I felt the loss as deeply as that of a close friend. To see a Jewish woman of her stature being revered so deeply by so many left me sobbing. Her clerks standing vigilant over her casket in silence was riveting. The care and love by so many.  Just thinking about it gives me hope.  Because these days there's so little of it and so much fear. I can think of little else than the election looming ahead.  We've adorned Trump with so many adjectives and yet none of them seem to be enough.  He's a Stalin, a Hitler, a monster, a tyrant, a fool, a despot, an ignoramus.  But he's really just a frightened man/child looking for scapegoats to blame for his own ineptitude.  Instead of the Jews or the Capitalists, it's the Democrats or Socialists who are to blame for whatever needs blaming. Or it's the protestors who will take away your rights and destroy your homes. Only Trump can save you from whatever he thinks you nee
Read more