Expectations

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Today is a celebration of sorts. I've posted every Saturday since August 9, 2025. No matter the weather, visitors or travel, I've kept my commitment to myself and by extension to you. Pondering what to write, what photo to select, whether what I have to say matters to anyone else are thoughts that flicker through my brain during the week. This fall, Saint Johns will implement The Eden Alternative to help alleviate loneliness, helplessness and boredom for those in my generation who find their purpose diminished. And, in spite of a healthy schedule of activities, I find this true for myself for which I have little patience.

I learned, early on, that there was no feasible way to stop a toddler's temper tantrum. I just had to wait it out and then mop up the teary cheeks and fortify myself to say no, calmly, to whatever the tantrum was about. Likewise, managing teenagers requires buckets full of patience. But, today, impatience with myself and my capabilities has grown exponentially.

Every morning, I play five Lumosity games. Takes just a few minutes total. I can see where I rank compared to games I've played a few weeks or months ago. I'm definitely slowing down mentally. With that in mind, I've played more often but it doesn't seem to help. Programs I'm looking forward to attending in the evening are often abandoned because I'm too tired to get cleaned up. The thought of going to an even a matinee performance of a play or a movie, something I used to enjoy, is brushed aside.

I love sitting on my balcony in my rocking chair, reading, playing spider, but when I get up, I stagger around like the old woman I am and become annoyed with myself. "Stand up straight. Stop bobbing around. You could fall." Those are just some of the mantras in my head.

I want to be kinder to myself, the way I was to my children and the way I am today to other people. To accept what is true today and not wish for the past to return. Today is the day I have and I want to be grateful for it. I'm hoping the Eden Alternative will provide respite for me and a greater level of self respect and consideration. 

With that in mind, I wish you a lovely, summer day. Have an ice cream sundae this afternoon. For fun.

Comments

  1. Sharon SchmidAugust 8, 2026 at 10:26:00 AM CST

    I think you underestimate your purpose, your ability to have a positive impact on others. I can't deny your feelings or your self-diagnosed evidence of some slow-down. Unfortunately, it happens to us all if we live long enough. But I still look forward to your writing -- it entertains me, comforts me, and makes me think. I hope you will by continue by sharing your reactions to the Eden Alternative when it begins. Writing has always been one of your unique talents, and even as it becomes more challenging, please know that, even if sporadically, you are sharing love, grace and insight you have learned and earned over 80+ years of living.

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  2. AnonymousAugust 8, 2026 at 11:50:00 AM CST

    Barbara, congratulations on your 1st Anniversary of Burnt Chocolate (Part Deux!). I look forward to reading your entries each week for you will forever be one of my favorite writers and favorite friend too. Thank you for composing light-hearted, humorous, thoughtful "Saturday Chocolate Delights" as well as tender, touching tributes to individuals and the tasks of getting older. I agree with Sharon Schmid on how important your weekly messages are, BB, and how purposeful your words and insights are. Thank you, sweet friend. I completely appreciate the promise of fun times yet choosing the fun of staying home instead. You've done it all and earned the opportunity to say, "No," to tempting events whenever you wish. Please know your transparency allows a safe mirror for the rest of us to see our own reflections. Cheers to you, Barbara, as you bask in the sunshine of summer days and discover new sparkles of truth at your own delightful, age-celebrating pace. Love you, Carol

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